dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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