i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize