too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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