allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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