she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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