just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
