i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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