i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
