I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize