When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
