how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Let's get the cat blown out
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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