your parents love me but you hate me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
