My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
