Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
