I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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