A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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