i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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