I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
