I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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