Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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