Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
