I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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