i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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