totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
