woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
