Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize