Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
