i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
