I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
