just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize