Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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