i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
