so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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