Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
