On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize