im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
being pregnant is like rehab
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
