P.S. I can't hear my feet
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
