weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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