all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
