Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Randomize
