I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
