Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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