I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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