you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
