So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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