My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
