i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
