Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
