when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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