You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
whose parrot is this?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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