D3 body, D1 cock
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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