John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
