So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize