i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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